“I Hate People” … what a statement to be made let alone own the t shirt that sports that sentence. So many people have said it, including me. There are other t-shirts that aren’t so right to the point, ones about preferring cats and coffee etc, but you get the meaning.
I can totally relate to this feeling or the said t-shirt in question. There was (and still can be) a point in my life when I felt being alone was my sanctuary. Thinking that by getting away from the world and the people in it, my life would be so much easier. First of all, it does not work so well when you are married with 2 children and run a people oriented business with your husband. They don’t quite understand the wanting to be alone thing. I honestly did not understand it either.
Being diagnosed 30 years ago with clinical depression was not something you announced. In those days it was not spoken off. Family and friends did not understand. Depression to them would go away after time. The question would come up “What are you depressed about”? Not having an answer to that, I really kept it close to myself till approximately 4 years ago. There are so very many people who battle depression and other mental health issues. *On a side note I still feel alien saying I have “mental illness”. I know it is now being embraced all over the world. Could be my age or the word mental…it just makes me take a gulp of air before I say it.
How ironic, I wanted to be alone and yet I was not alone. Somewhere along the line of my life I lost confidence in my abilities. I lost who I was by starting to sequester myself away from people. From people who love and care about me. I did not hate people….I had a profound dislike for me. The me I had let myself turn into.
Not the dancing, witty, comical, loyal, family oriented, full of convictions self I once was, the other one. The one where I did not care, feeling no one cared about me, there was no hope in this world. “I hated people”. Certainly I did not like that person. I went down hard experiencing nothing but sadness and anger. Hurting so many good people by imploding myself into nothingness.
Through the last 4 years of hard work I have seen my worth. Getting out of myself and getting into others. Caring about others is one thing that triggered my senses. Realizing I do have something to give people. If my story can help another, then I will tell it. When giving to others, I am open to my family, my friends and me. Believing I can do the things my head tells me I cannot. My heart knows what is best for me.
Hitting the 1/2 century point in life, I have come to realize that I want peace and happiness. This includes people. Others in our lives is what keeps the spirit alive within us.
At times, I think how much time I wasted in my no (wo)man’s land. I have to remind myself this is my journey and how it was meant to be. To get where I am at now.
These experiences have made me who I am today. A woman over 50 trying to make change. I think I just might get that put on a t-shirt. ☺️
MCM
Mid-Century Mama 