Do you ever wonder who you are? I mean truly are?
That has been a struggle for me most of my life. Being a daughter, sister, cousin, wife, mother and grandmother, I thought I needed to be someone else. Always trying to be the best, no cracks in the mask that I wore so well. To the outside I was an in balance, shy, sweet girl/woman. My family knew how volatile I could be. The perfectionist and the controller. Worrying what everyone would think if I made a mistake. Where is the freedom in that? The time to explore and figure who I wanted to be was muddied with what I thought others wanted me to be.
Now, our children have their own lives. It’s now my husband and I. With the layers peeled back…I now wonder…..who am I? I feel exposed.
The whirlwind of being in the business of others has gone to a slow crawl. I’ve recently had time to be in that uncomfortable zone. Reflecting…..”Who am I?”
The past 5 months I have dealing with Chronic Sciatica. Excruciating blood curdling screaming pain. The comparison of sciatica pain and to child labour is relatable. For the past 33 years I would tell others I could not remember the pain I felt while in labour for both of my daughters. That is until March 27, 2024. Those searing pains came rushing back. I ain’t gonna lie I am literally afraid of the Sciatica pain when it starts. I can be in constant pain for a couple hours. Then the prescribed medications kick in. Currently the pain seems to hit in the mornings when I wake up. The rest of my day can go pretty well. As long as I take it easy. That is the key….taking it easy. When you think you are “doing” most of the time, not asking for help or any input it can be really hard to accept. Between not doing what I want and seeing what I want done by someone else (not the way I would do it) can feel like torture. In my case, self-pity. My controlling needs start surfacing and things can fly out of my mouth like a set of lawn darts being thrown towards the plastic ring across the yard. Not my finest moment. Why can’t I just be happy with what is being done for me? My family and friends want to be there for me and I give them the proverbial middle finger.
It has everything to do with my controlling nature. My need for perfection (what I think is perfect) and doing it myself. It goes back to wanting to be needed and if it appears I am the only one who can do it right, I am truly appreciated. I never got the memo that folks will truly like me for me; not for what I can do for them or what I got. Ask me what my good attributes are and I could come up with a few generic ones. Oh but the bad list would be pages long!
I know that these revelations like me are a work in progress. I have been carrying this luggage set around for 57 years, I cannot expect to solve anything right away. By being home on the mend for the past 5 months I have been having some candid reflecting with myself. The type that broaches the questions “What is my real purpose in life?” and “What does Laura like?”. Two very scary questions to a middle aged woman who has only seen herself through the eyes of others. I know I am not alone in this.
The mortality question has come up too. How much time do I have left? What other health issues will I endure? Too much time on my hands….maybe. I do think it is my higher power not only forcing me to look at myself but to accept the love that is being put my way. To try to live life to the best of my ability. Let it just happen.
Take care, Laura
Mid-Century Mama 